Well, things have changed more than one could imagine, I no longer raise my nephews, I no longer have a house full of giggles and fun.. Its just me..
I cant say I am coping well because that would be a lie. I am trying to cope, but you try spending all of your time raising kiddos and then have it gone in the blink of an eye, it is majorly different, and majorly saddening.
So I am going to use this blog to try to allow myself to grow from it, to become happy again.
What is happy? Im not even sure I ever was happy.. I was getting by, but I didnt adore my situation, and I didnt adore my life.. I did and still do adore those kids though.
Not many can understand where I am coming from in all of this, my situation was unique, and unique isnt always best when it comes to healing.
Many people assume this is something one can just shrug off, those people claim they know me.. But its bluntly obvious that they havent got an inkling of who I am and what my life was.
I hate hearing that it will get better, I hate hearing that the pain will go away, I hate hearing that everything happens for a reason. Because honestly anyone who has the balls to say those things to me is so delusional it isnt even funny.
This wont get better, the pain will never leave, yeah it may fade some.. But never will it go away, Ive lost two children, sure they are alive, but our relationship is dead, and I am grieving the death of that relationship, so no, the pain isnt going anywhere. And if you honestly think that everything happens for a reason, then you havent met those two amazing boys, the two little boys who have been handed a hellish life, with no one to fix it. I dont want comfort. I want to know that what I feel is valid, not that its not worth it to hurt.
I am pissed off to no end that I have no one in my life who can understand this, and its not their fault, they didnt live it, but I am still mad.
Being mad gets me through the day, because at least I feel something. I wouldnt wish this on anyone, I wouldnt hope for anyone to feel the way I feel and have felt for the last month, because it is the worst feeling I have felt in my life. Im just hoping that some how I can get closure, and find something to give me back my ambition, my will to live this crazy life. I know I will be okay, but I dont know when that will happen..
I have learned more than I ever would have imagined, and I only have two young children to thank for it. They taught me to be a parent, they let me learn with them, and that is priceless.
